When Carrying On Catches Up With You

Today I cancelled something I really wanted to do.

I was supposed to be headlining a spoken word event tonight, and instead I’m at home because I am absolutely rotten and exhausted. Not just tired. Properly physically and mentally worn out.

And now, just to finish me off, I’ve been hit by the flu too.

I got to the point where I realised I don’t even feel like I can speak, never mind stand in front of people and perform.

And I think my body and brain have finally gone, “Thank fuck. She’s stopped.”

Because I haven’t stopped.

The last few weeks have been incredible. Genuinely incredible. So many events, workshops, conversations, new people, new opportunities and moments that I will remember for a very long time.

I’ve hosted. Facilitated. Organised. Supported. Problem-solved. Looked after other people. Held space. Danced. Laughed. Cried. Kept things moving.

And somewhere amongst all of that, I forgot that I’m not bloody invincible.

I’m very good at carrying on

That’s something I’ve realised about myself.

I can carry on through almost anything.

And for a long time I’ve probably seen that as one of my strengths.

Something happens? Deal with it and carry on.

Someone upsets me? Carry on.

I’m exhausted? Carry on.

I’m getting ill? Apparently, carry on.

There’s something that needs doing? Get it done.

But over the last couple of weeks, there were things happening underneath all the brilliant stuff too.

I was subjected to verbal abuse. At the time, I dealt with it the only way I felt I could. I ignored it and carried on because there were things that needed doing and people relying on me.

I thought I was okay.

I wasn’t.

Now that everything has slowed down, I’m realising it triggered me far more than I understood at the time.

That’s the funny thing about triggers. Sometimes they don’t arrive neatly in the moment and announce themselves.

Sometimes you function.

Sometimes you smile.

Sometimes you host the event.

Sometimes you make sure everybody else is okay.

And then, when you finally stop, your body catches up with what your brain has been trying to push aside.

And there was something else

Right at the beginning of all of this, I was made to feel incredibly uncomfortable by someone.

They crossed a boundary for me.

What was perhaps even harder was that afterwards, they continued to turn up.

Again, I carried on.

I stayed professional. I did what I needed to do. I concentrated on everybody else and what I was there to achieve.

But looking back now, I realise something.

I shouldn’t have to become uncomfortable in my own space in order to make somebody else comfortable.

And that has probably been one of the biggest reflections to come out of all of this.

Because Daisy Green has found her voice.

I know that.

I use it all the time.

But finding your voice doesn’t mean you suddenly become completely healed from everything that came before it.

There are still bits of me that revert to survival mode.

Keep the peace.

Get through it.

Deal with it later.

Carry on.

And apparently, later has arrived.

Healing isn’t a finished job

I don’t see any of this as going backwards.

Actually, I think it’s the opposite.

A few years ago I might not even have recognised what was happening.

Now I can look at myself and say:

That affected me.

That crossed a boundary.

That triggered something old.

I should have rested sooner.

I didn’t need to carry everything.

And there are still parts of me that need some work.

I think that’s growth.

Not pretending you’re completely healed, but knowing yourself well enough to recognise when something still hurts.

So now I rest

I need to learn to pace myself.

That might be the biggest lesson of all of this.

I love what I do. I love creating things. I love bringing people together. I love holding spaces where people can find their voices.

But I cannot keep giving every part of myself to everything I care about and expect there to be anything left of me afterwards.

And sometimes your body simply makes you stop. Mine has certainly decided to make its point — exhaustion, no voice and bloody flu!

Rest isn’t something I should only allow myself once I’ve completely run out.

And cancelling something because I physically and mentally cannot do it isn’t failing.

Today my body has made the decision for me.

So I’m listening.

Hot water bottle. PJs. Tea. Sleep. Quiet.

The world can carry on without me for a little while.

Because it turns out I don’t always have to be the one carrying on. 💚